


gotham's most wanted

by kalesmay



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/F, Gen, M/M, its just supervillain shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 14:14:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalesmay/pseuds/kalesmay
Summary: Gotham's rogues are to be feared, right? Or, something like that.





	gotham's most wanted

**Author's Note:**

> as a gotham rogues stan this is just a little collection of snippets of gotham rogue related fluff. still @ dicktigers on tumblr

"Jon, I don't recall, what are Cobblepot's rules about nudity and table dancing?"

"Neither of us will be doing such a thing, so I don't think it matters, does it?"

"No, I suppose you're right,"

...

"Edward! Get down from there! And put your fucking _pants_ back on!"

 

* * *

 

 

"Red, have ya ever gotten ya whole hand stuck in a toaster?"

"No, why do you ask?"

Harley makes a noise, looking at the crumbles of PopTart in front of her, and wiggles her fingers within the confines of the toaster. Luckily, she'd unplugged it, so it didn't burn anymore. "Oh, no reason. I'll see ya when ya get home!"

"Harley-"

But Harley has hung up, staring desolately at the scene in front of her. One handed, she dials another number. "Kitty, can you come over? Bring a chainsaw!"

 

* * *

 

 

"I am _so_ supremely mad at you," Selina says, green eyes narrowed at Bruce's broad back. " _So_ mad."

Bruce turns and glances over his shoulder at her, before focusing his attention towards putting on his Rolex. "Oh? Why is that?"

Selina huffs, crossing her arms. "You sent Eddie back to Arkham! We were supposed to have a sleepover tomorrow night, mani-pedi's, chick flicks, the works! But no, you and your fucking _quest for justice_."

Filing the information -- The Riddler gets manicures with Catwoman and talks about his feelings -- away for a later date, Bruce shrugs, carefully pushing a lock of hair back into where it had fallen from. "I'm sorry, Selina. It's not _my_ fault he tweeted with his location on."

 

* * *

 

 

"I hate _everyone_ in this room, and I want you all to know this." Harvey makes eye contact with everyone at the table, scowl on both sides of his face.

Harley fixes him with big blue puppy dog eyes. "Even _me_? And Red?"

Harvey sighs. "Except you guys."

"You're in _my_ lounge, Dent." Oswald says, crossly.

"Not you either, Cobblepot."

Edward looks up from his hand of cards. "I may be vexing, but what have I done to deserve _hatred_?" And Harvey had to admit that he hadn't done anything at all, so he says,

"No, you're good. _And_ your spooky ass boyfriend." Edward looks pleased. Jonathan looks indifferent.

Victor wasn't here tonight, but Harvey didn't hate him either. Ivy snorts. "So when you said everyone, you just meant Joker?"

Joker makes a noise of dissent. "No way! Dent loves me!"

Harvey fixes Joker with his nastiest look. "I literally hate you, Joker. It's taking all of my self control to not kill you right now."

Ivy's smile widens. "What's stopping you?"

"Excuse me! Someone here would surely stop him from doing so, right?" Joker doesn't sound very sure. "Harley?"

Harley shakes her head, uneven pigtails bouncing. She leans a little further into Ivy's side. "Sorry, Mistah J. I'd prolly help him."

"Does no one here like me?" Joker asks, offended. The entire table is silent. Edward, as usual, breaks it.

"Oh, I can't stand you. My God, I want to beat your ass on a daily basis."

"I'm with Ed, you're a fucking nuisance."

"Yeah, I hate you."

"Well," Joker sniffs. "This has been very illuminating."

 

* * *

 

 

"Selina says she's upset with you, Batman." Edward informs, dodging a punch from the Caped Crusader. Batman doesn't falter, swinging out again like Edward hadn't said anything of importance at all.

"Why's that?" He ducked under the arc of Edward's cane.

Edward was privy to all kinds of things, being of his position, which is one of Selina's best friends. "She's been dropping the most subtle of hints about the new Cardier watch, and yet it hasn't appeared on her delicate wrist." He took a right hook to the jaw, going down hard, but agreeably. Edward was all brain, very little brawn; it was a fact that he'd accepted early on.

"I thought she wanted the Michael Kors one!" The portion of Batman's face visible beneath the cowl was distressed, as he knelt down to place handcuffs around Edward's wrists.

A snort makes its way out of Edward's chest. "Selina Kyle? In a Michael Kors watch? Good God, it's like you don't know her at all. Not nearly enough zeroes there, Batman."

"Well, damn."

 

* * *

 

 

"Jonathan? Do you have a moment?"

"Not really, but what is it?"

"Would you care to explain why there's a canister of _fear toxin_ in our _fridge_?"

"Oh, that. Don't touch it."

"Jon, it's in the fridge."

"Hm, yes, do not touch it."

Edward heaves a great sigh that he hopes conveys his massive disappointment at Jon's inability to keep his science in the lab. "But why is it in the fridge?"

Jon looks at him like he has two heads. "Cold, obviously." This answers none of Edwards questions. He tilts his head and gestures for Jon to continue his explanation. Jonathan proceeds to go on a winding and only somewhat comprehensible spiel about the possible effects of lowered temperatures on the amygdala. When he finishes, he looks at Edward expectantly, as if he wants Edward to tell him that he's impressed by the stroke of Crane genius that possessed Jon to contaminate their refrigerator.

"That's all incredibly scientific, but I'd prefer you kept it away from my chicken breasts."

 

* * *

 

 

Harvey stared at the coin, and then the wall, and back at the coin again. The wall, he looked at, because he had punched a hole into it. The coin, he looked at, because it wasn't his coin. It was a _Chuck E Cheese_ token, scribbled over with sharpie on one side. This is also the cause of the Harvey hand size hole in the wall. He didn't know where his coin was, or how the switch happened, but he _did_ know he was going to kill Edward Nigma.

 

* * *

 

 

Jonathan tries not to be bitter about the fact that he's not in the Arkham group chat. It's not that he was _purposefully_ excluded, it's because he has a 2005 flip phone; Edward offered to buy him a smart device, but Jonathan refused on the grounds of having no clue how to work one and not wanting to look stupid. Still, seeing Edward giggling at his phone over lunch fills him with a level of jealousy. Less appealing is when he snorts gleefully at 2 in the morning, grinning face lit up by the light of his screen when Jon tries to sleep.

Edward Nigma shouldn't be allowed to have a smartphone -- most of the Rogues agree on this. He always had the screen brightness turned all the way up (even at night), and has the keyboard noises on at full volume. Whenever Jonathan tries to plan a crime with him, he plays _Candy Crush_ , or tries to show him _memes_ , whatever those are.

The group chat was started by Harley, as most attempts at bonding are, and was enforced by Pamela, who threatened them all with death by vine if they didn't appease Harley. Waylon was both friendly and scaly, and had been more than happy to join. Dent had been caught on a good day with a lucky flip, and Edward would agree to anything that got him attention. Joker hadn't been invited at all.

 

* * *

 

 

"Please," Jon pleads, " _stop_ programming robots."

Edward looks up from where he has a delicate screwdriver pressed to the circuit board of what used to be Jon's lab Roomba. "I know not to which you are referring, Crane." The Roomba had been painstakingly customized by Jon to clean up his lab while playing eerie music; Edward hacked it and made it blare Beyoncé. The vial of very erosive chemicals ended up on both the wall and Jon's lap, and Edward's still in the doghouse.


End file.
